Flying around for miles, putting that same old label on obsessions and compulsions, like pointing fingers.
Going forwards, trying to skip time, crashing over an unconscious desire that lingers.
Dragging your body backward, forcing yourself into what you don't want until you do.
Congratulations Dr. Freud, tried to treat your heroin-addicted patient with cocaine and got him addicted to the two.
And now, what's left is just a Sylvia style. But don't worry, I ain't turning the gas on in the kitchen, not anymore.
I was invited to ride a flying balloon full of love and was carried in by a hundred loving arms. They gave me marshmallows requesting nothing back.
I asked: why are you so kind? And they told me: 'put this screen away! what are you looking for?'
I went like: oh, there's this place I gotta go. I just gotta get back there!
But why kitty catty? Can't you just find it here?
Oh no, oh no, I searched around. I went left and right, up and down. I checked all directions and corners. I could not find it anywhere else...
Wait a minute... I'm such a liar! I tell these self-deluded stories so many times that I believe them myself.
I did, in fact, find a place beyond this one, but it was so unreal...
So I doubted it and set it on fire until it disappeared. Then ya, I'm pretty sure there's nowhere else now.
I have a pocket full of words that can't form any truly new sentence.
Had this dream in which I tried to leave a note for myself... jezzz... that's how I know now I didn't fully have my right mind on guide when I did all that shit.
And what's really weird is that I can see two different colors, one through each of my eyes. So now I can perceive the world in two versions simultaneously, and that freaks me out.
Tonight, I wonder which term will be the largest when I finally finish my dream words-cloud.
To be honest, this whole thing is ridiculous, I've watched that movie before. And God, I could swear... I'd have bet anything that it was dead. I really didn't think about it at all anymore.
But oh, I no longer consider it a curse. Maktub. It was written. I wrote it formally, literally, entirely. There's always something new to write, and yet, I keep just repeating myself. "even though the meaning is different every time."
I'm throwing away, right now, everything I thought I knew. I'm ready to believe.
Though, I still remember the other side every day. Today I dreamed there was a portal in my room, and an SS soldier gave me his hand. I touched him and didn't know what to do but cry.
He said: 'why are you doing this? Come back here. You did it all on purpose!' I screamed: but soldier, soldier, you're no soldier if you hide in the trench all the time! I swear I didn't do a thing! And this time, not even my sister...
It was not until you scared me, and only then, did she come out. It was just a night caller, a "nightcrawler". But it was you who let these demons grow in your mind, and then they grew in mine.
And the more you hid in your trench, the more I sang songs in ugly languages. And it is too late now. But ya, it is never too late unless it is.
How deep is all that inside me? I wish I were in a Swedish dataset of twins separated at birth. Then maybe I'd know a bit better what I really can't get rid of.
My therapist said I should take the risk. I asked: would you? And she nodded negatively. What the fuck am I supposed to do with all this?
All in all, this is a search for more excuses. To justify this constant fire burning inside.
I had to give it a name and a face. I always have to give it a color. To pretend to myself it is not just my own ghost.
Someone inquired me: why listening to the same song thirty times on the same day?
So I rationalized: well, I wanna make sure I get all the words and know all the notes. But ya, the truth is I never let anything go.
The cow type. Gotta eat it, puke, eat, eternally. Only this way can I feel like something matters.
Ain't nothing in between unexistence and totality!
Wait! Here I go again. This is my old mindset... from that cheesy soap opera.
My bitter realization that my heart was divided made me accept I don't really have a heart. It is more like a box of toys, full of these ink types. And ya, no such thing as balance.
Though I guess it is true, one side will always win. At least one side in each hour of the day. Or one in each dream.
And fuck this madness! Because inside me, there's never space for me. Just an eternal war among savages and soldiers. These recurrent themes keep coming back fractally. I said it already, and I'll say it again, it is consciousness theft!
Time after time, under torture, I confess crimes I never committed. Trying to process some undue guilt, I heat up my deeds, and I distort them. So, listen to me: no more!
Therefore, now, crossing this abys on a rope, every time I'm falling left, I'll look right, and as the right pulls me in, I'll look left.
Perhaps that's the only way to stay in the middle. Because if I look at any of these sides for too long, I'll be consumed into ashes.
And this time, I refuse to resist by simply playing. I shan't play anything, I'm not that person anymore.
I was sucked into a gigantic tornado, and it really changed me. This is all true. This is all real.
The part of me that is here right now is truly here, and that part that is missing is genuinely far away.
